I have been growing. Not really by choice. Growth is painful. It requires introspection, quite reflection, willingness to hear and see criticism of oneself. These are all very difficult ways to spend your time if you are by nature easily distracted and have become too comfortably numbed by the little life you have carved out for yourself that never requires you to challenge your beliefs. Teenagers will if nothing else, challenge the status quo. I have one, and she has rocked my paddle boat the last few months and made me wish I were instead piloting a freighter in the turmoil of her emotional ocean.
I haven't checked in, I haven't posted or taken photographs or replied to congenial emails for quite some time because I have had very little that is perky or inspirational or in any way constructive to communicate. It is as though someone pushed the pause button right in the middle of my all day movie marathon and I just stopped being for a while. I have spent a lot of time in my pajamas, questionable amounts of time in the bathtub reading, bizarre amounts of time watching VH1 reality TV and a little bit of time at the local police department. Mostly I smelled bad, nothing I wore made sense, all foods consumed were of sandwich material and I memorized the various buttons on the remote control so I could navigate the channels in the event someone left me in the living room on the couch with the lights out as they went to bed.
I spent some time in the fetal position. I cursed. I cried. I created a new universe around my spot on the sofa. I was in mommy hell.
We are still working on things. There is more to come. I wish I were stronger and could say I'll never let my life take such a turn again, I'll never let myself get so emotional about something I have so little control over. But it's only Monday, and I just can't make that kind of commitment right now. I know I still have growing pains -a - commin'.
I missed my blog world.. can't wait to get back on track again. I will pray for all the mommies.